B: -
L: 2 Erberts & Gerberts Jacob Bluefinger sandwiches on wheat bread, 1,218
D: -


I know that it has been awhile.  It is not unlike me to have a quick stint in health mode, then fall off track.  I'm so sick of it though, and after a conversation with my boyfriend who loves me dearly, I realize it's up to me.  No one is holding me back, but myself.

My weight issues stem from emotional instability.  I eat when I am upset, and because I smoke, my consumption continues and continues as if I am a bottomless pit.  Unfortunately, I am not, and the next morning, I am dehydrated.  My skin is tight.  My feet and ankles are swollen, and it's painful to walk.  Furthermore, I always feel unhappy and ugly.  I can't stand trying to put together a decent outfit that hides all my rolls and crevices.  I rarely see my friends anymore because of my low self-esteem.

I am losing myself, and I only have myself to blame.  The beauty of that realization is that I am one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin.  Next, I have to put my dreams into action by working hard and showing self control and diligence.

It is my ultimate goal to feel happy again.  I want to look in the mirror after trying on one outfit, and feeling good about what I see.  I want to be a better person.  I want to smile and laugh every day.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I want to feel beautiful.  I want to make Jamaal a happy boyfriend.  I want to give him what he deserves from his girlfriend.  I want to be pleased enough with myself to not feel self-conscious in every situation from work to school to recreation.  I want to be me.

WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE/HAPPEN

1. Consume approximately 1,200 calories per day.  Never exceed 1,500 calories.
2. Do not eat after 9 PM.
3. Do not eat fast food.
4. Do not take home food from work.
5. Allow two restaurant meals per month.
6. Eat only whole grains.
7. Eat breakfast.
8. Do not eat junk food of any sort.
9. Do not drink beverages with calories.
10. Allow two bar outtings per month.
11. Exercise five times weekly for 45 minutes each.

LET THE SUN SHINE IN

CW: 260.2
UGW: 165

I'm done being a fatty.  It really sucks, and I am beyond any fatness I've ever experienced before.  For the last sixty pounds, every ten pound interval I reach, I say to myself, "Ok, Ali this is it - time to get it together."  I have yet to do so.  I think one time I did a cardio Pilates routine I memorized when I was sixteen and anorexic while I watched TV telling myself this is the beginning of getting fit.  Didn't do shit the next day or the day after.  Once you reach that point, well shit, you're doomed.  Now is the time, and I have marked this by two visits to the gym.  And I finding that this exercising thing gives me more energy, and keeps me from being so hungry all the time.  It's really nice.

You know what I really can't wait for, though?  Looking down and being able to see my feet.  A simple pleasure, yes, but one I miss desperately.  I remember during the prime of my anorexia, I was washing in the shower in New Jersey where I was a nanny for the summer, and I looked down for the first time since young childhood to see two feet!  My own feet, and what a pleasure that was!  It marked such great progress.

Hahaha.  My doody man just opened my bedroom door, and declared, "Lost four pounds - swag!"  We're doing this together.  I feel I need a motivational workout pal to help me get into the habit of going to the gym.  I also feel like I'm lacking the knowledge of many different exercises, so I am learning from Jamaal.  If it were up to me, I'd just run for 30  minutes, and leave.  I am expanding my abilities and am certainly looking forward to being a better me.

And, in true weight blog tradition, some thinspo...

Abbey Lee Kershaw

Miu Miu models

I thought, a cigarette - why, I must post this one!